Mindful Regression

Some memories take us back in time to thoughts of loved ones, fun times, the good ol’ days, the bad ol’ days, successes, and near misses.  They can bring up all sorts of dormant emotions, and we may or may not want to revisit them.  Normally, we have a choice about making that trip down memory lane, and other times, the memory slams into us so hard, that choice doesn’t enter the picture.

This happened to me yesterday.  I was in a fairly decent frame of mind to start my day.  Then, SLAM.  I read an article before leaving for work that took me to a place of great sadness in my life, a place that will always be a part of me, but not all of me.  I couldn’t shake off the sadness, though.  It was like it crawled inside my mind, and infected all the work I regularly do to stay clear of getting stuck in that time.  So disappointing, to know that no matter how hard I worked at pulling it together all day, the memories surrounding that time will always be there, and it takes so little to throw me into regression. 

By the evening, I was a mess.  By the late night hours, many of them spent doing research on the subject, and writing emails, I had slowed down some of the agitation and anger.  Not much, but enough to go to sleep. 

This morning, there it was again.  I took the day off work, something I rarely do, even for fun.  I figured if I wasn’t able to process my thoughts clearly, I would be of little help to others at work.  It was a good choice, and soon I realized I could make more choices about how to spend my day, that would feel like I was being actively mindful of that very sad part of my life, and could do something to throw the information I had read in the article, back at the world.  I picked an activity that had relevance, went out into the world, talked to friends who got it, and came home relieved.  The coffee wasn’t a bad idea either. 

I had to choose finding a way back to me, the me I am today.  I did.  I’m back.